The Clan of the Cleaning Closet

Let me just admit right up front that I am not Suzy Homemaker.  As a matter of fact, my poor house suffers for my lack of skill (and my skill suffers for lack of desire).  If I could do what I wish, I would hire Merry Maids and be done with it, but that—alas—is not to be.  Thus, I have a closet full of cleaners where, front and center, a bucket stands as proudly as if it sported a chest full of military regalia because it contains those I actually use.  Lurking in the corners of the closet, the completely useless cleaners that I have rejected plot to hold their positions in the cleaning closet.

Concerning these cleaners and all their grandiose claims, I have to say that I am disappointed.  One bathroom cleaner, for example, declares that it gets rid of mold, mildew and soap scum.  It fails, however, to mention that it needs any help from me.  This should be considered false advertising, and I really think that there should be some sort of petition to force them to reword such egregiously false assertions. The bathroom cleaner sits securely in the bucket, its little so-called “scrubbing” bubbles smirking with the knowledge that no bathroom cleaner exists that will work on its own. Yet.

In the far right corner, the carpet cleaner sits smugly after infiltrating my home under cover in the box of my new vacuum. It works so poorly that we took out the carpet rather than use it again but it comes by its smugness honestly, because throwing it in the garbage is bad for the environment; thus, its place in my cleaning closet is secure. In a rigid line next to the carpet cleaner, a phalanx of dishwasher soaps stand at attention, secure in the knowledge that—like the carpet cleaner—they are safe from disposal because of environmental issues. Ironically, they secured their places in my closet by posing as “environmentally friendly—phosphate-free.” Each of these pretenders marched in without the dreaded phosphates and lacking as well any ability to get a dish clean.

A bottle of lime and rust remover, a can of turpentine, and three containers of window cleaner huddle in the opposite corner, with varying levels of content, bequeathed to me by "friends" who moved out-of-state and did not wish to carry their cleaners with them. Most of these offer no real use to me, but remain in the closet because my husband has declared that “they will come in handy one day.” They sneer at me as I pull out my bucket and every once in a while they crowd one of their ranks so that it will fall on me when I open the closet door. I swear I hear them chortling as I chase the rogue can or bottle that rolls across the floor after landing on my toe.

With the addition of huge containers of Pine-Sol and other cleaners purchased in bulk at the wholesalers’ club, these products threaten to spill out of the closet altogether, at which time I fear we will no longer be able to use our hallway and will have to enter our bedrooms through the windows. That being unacceptable, I suppose the best course of action will be to move out-of-state, sell the house, and let the new owners take charge of the clan of the cleaning closet.

Christian Terms Defined

Working, and practically living, in a University setting, I have had the opportunity to get to know people from many different backgrounds. I appreciate the opportunity to know people who believe differently than I do, and to learn to understand different ways of thinking. I wish to understand my friends in the terms in which they wish to be understood, and I want my friends to understand me in the same way. This note is not intended to preach at anyone, but was inspired by a conversation with a respected professor who was surprised that I define myself as an Evangelical Fundamentalist Christian.

In the course of debate, many people have said things about “Evangelical Fundamentalist Christians” that indicate that there is a rather wide chasm between the way that an Evangelical Fundamentalist defines some terms and the way a secular person might define them. My purpose for this note is to give some definitions from the perspective of an Evangelical Fundamentalist that some people define differently than we do, so that we might understand one another better. These words are: evangelical, fundamentalist,  interpretation, and inerrancy. Since these are words that I use either to define myself or to explain how I have arrived at the core beliefs I cherish, I want my friends to understand how I define these words, so that they may understand me better.

• Evangelical – An evangelical Christian is called to share his/her faith with others. Plain and simple.
• What Evangelical might mean to some Christians but does NOT mean to me:
  • That I must push you until you believe what I believe, or you are so annoyed with me that you hide behind furniture until I am out of sight so as not to have to talk with me
  • That I must thump you over the head with the Bible until you see things my way
  • That I am in any way to dictate to you what you must choose to believe

• Fundamentalist – In mainstream Christianity, those of us who call ourselves “Fundamentalists” refer to certain fundamentals that are essential to our beliefs. These fundamentals, in my denomination, are as follows:
  • The Deity of Christ
  • The Virgin Birth
  • The Blood Atonement (that is, Jesus paid the price for my sin with his blood)
  • Bodily Resurrection
  • Inerrancy of the Scriptures

• What Fundamentalist may mean to some Christians but does NOT mean to me:
  • That the Bible must be interpreted word-for-word literally
  • That anyone who interprets something differently than I do will not go to heaven
  • That I must thump you over the head with the Bible until you see things my way

• Interpretation – The Bible is literature. It is not “just” literature; it is God-inspired literature that is, in the estimation of an Evangelical Fundamentalist (see above), inerrant. It contains history, poetry, parables, metaphors, genealogy, and prophecy. Many of these genres call for interpretation, and we all interpret things in different ways. In the same way that you and I might interpret a poem by Walt Whitman in a different way, the Bible can be interpreted many ways. The Evangelical Fundamentalist, like many Christians who do not classify themselves with these terms, is an exegete. We study, compare, cross-reference, pray, meditate, study some more, and in every way do the best we can to try to determine the meaning that God wants us to infer from the Bible. We are not to “pick and choose” what we want to believe (though many do, whether Christian or not), but we are to do our best to interpret the Bible correctly, in context, and as a whole. It is an inerrant book, but not an easy book. The only things on which I remain firm, as far as the definition of “Christian” goes, are the five fundamentals (see above), which I have found to be consistent throughout the Bible. For the rest, there is grace, because God knows I am not a perfect exegete.

• Inerrancy – This is a term that causes many people—Christian and non-Christian alike—to get our undies in a bundle. It is a term that calls for some grace, because there is legitimate concern that, in some places, the Bible seems to contradict itself. There are reasons for these seeming contradictions, which I am happy to discuss if anyone is interested. I will not discuss them in this forum, however, because my intent here is not to bore you with information you may not want or care about. The Bible was written by human beings, and the Christian believes it was inspired by God. Even among Christians, what this inspiration means for interpretation is widely and heatedly contested. That is because the Bible is literature (see above). Most mainstream Christians believe in the five fundamentals above, and then we do our best to interpret the rest. Those of you who know me best are aware that I do my very best to understand the Bible without putting my own spin on it. If I interpret it wrongly, that is not God’s fault. 

It is my goal to view my fellow human beings with as much grace as God gives me. I see part of that grace as allowing people to define themselves in their own terms, rather than trying to put my own spin on words they use to describe themselves. I think that this is the goal of anyone who truly wants to understand another person. I hope that this has been helpful, and that it will open doors of understanding for the many different paradigms represented among those whom I count as my friends.